I am alive, alive, ALIVE!!

Well after a harrowing 48 hours locked in the auditorium at the Grove after the retreat, hitchhiking home in my black dress, loosing my way and nearly falling in an empty canal I have made it home!


Actually, I should tell you the truth. My mind was numbed beyond comprehension and I haven't been able to function correctly since the morning of 12/08. What is a blog? How do you drive a stick shift? What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen Swallow? Oh.. so.. confused...


I seem to keep getting calls for Pizza Hut on my blog... I'm going to have to get that fixed. What did I miss while I was in a sales-induced coma?

(no honestly it was pretty interesting this time around--my disclaimer if anyone from work decides to pop in for a visit...)

Out of Office Assistant says....

Hi, you've reached the desk of Fiona. I will be out of the office until Monday December 12th participating in huggy happy company meetings. If you need immediate assistance please post a message and I will get back to you as soon as possible.

I must warn you I will be having way to much fun to even think about blogging (chuckle, snort, gaffaw, lie.) So please leave a message after the beep.

BEEP.




Me for the next few days--->

Oh Dane...

You are wonderful and as fabulous as ever. You made me laugh at SNL for the first time in eight years. You are a god. I now can add to my repertoire: "Rock and Roll Quotes," "The Effeminate Theater Guy" and "Itchy Sweater Freak!"


Ok James Blunt? Was that his name? Loved his music but he was a little scary! I think his eyes were boring a hole right through my TV screen to me! Aack! He was watching me, I know.


Oh and I love how SNL now has two female Weekend Update anchors! FINALLY, way to get with the times!

Also, Dane, loved your new bits in your opening stand-up bit.

Cheers!

i'm GUMBY dammit!

"I'd like to see........ TWO bricks being smashed togevah!"


You are a Gumby! You like to smash bricks and say
things that no-one can understand...



Ok I'd like to thank Duck from the bottom of my heart for this one. How fitting! How Perfect! What is your Monty Python Personality????

"I object to all this sex on the television! I mean-I keep falling off!"

The Church of Dane Meeting Minutes

Ok all you dreamers out there listen up: His Holiness Dane Cook will be appearing on Saturday Night Live -tomorrow (Saturday-go figure) and this will be the perfect opportunity to gleam new material for our bag o' phrases and Cook-Lingo. But if he sucks... Well, I don't know what. So watch it. I expect a full report of how the new material will fit into your repertoire on Monday morning.

• The money plate has gone around and is hoping to be filled... We'll buy shoes with the money and wear them to our Christmas mass.
• I've set the Jesits out, the Croutons D' Christ and the Christchex are in the cupboard help yourself.
• *This Saturday we will have a head-blood emptying seminar. Wear your grubby clothes and learn the family tradition.
• *Her Royal Highness Weezie would like to announce that official membership of the Church O' Dane is up from 9 to 11 members.
• *If you haven't picked up the New Testes-ament "Retaliation" you can do so at your local Best Buy.

Peace.

Things I am thankful for...

(I'm always a day late and a dollar short)


Except for numbers 1-6, these are in no particular order:
1. My Freedom
2. My husband

3. My family and friends
4. My beautiful twin neices Jasmine and Lilly (15 months old)
5. My family and friend's health
6. My furkids
7. My lovely home
8. My job
9. Chocolate
10. Dairy Queen Georgia Mudd Fudge and Brownie Supreme blizzards
11. (While I'm at it:) Ben and Jerry's Fudge Brownie and New York Super Chunk Fudge
12. Pecan Pie
13. A working vehicle
14. The money to afford a Christmas tree and Christmas dinner
15. The money to help an unfortunate family in our area
16. The money to donate to the Humane Society
17. Target-I love Target
18. Robert and Russel who have gone off to defend our country in Korea and Afghanistan respectively
19. My Uncle Al and Uncle Bob who have repeatedly helped in the war effort by building bases and developing programs-also Uncle Bob who helped in Hurricane Katrina relief efforts helping to ID the deceased
20. Holiday spirit
21. The general goodness of human kind (though lacking lately-when it is shown, it's beautiful)
22. The unconditional love of doggies.
24. Italian food
25. Bread (can you tell i'm on a diet??)

What are you thankful for?

(Fiona)









(Frank)

Gadammit I got tagged..........

Thanks Duck... thanks a lot.

60 mindless questions about me...

1. First name:Meghan
2. Were you named after anyone? Named after myself. My dad saw me and all the other name choices flew out the window and I was forever known as... Meghan.
3. Do you wish on stars? I used to
4. When did you last cry? Saturday
5. Do you like your handwriting? Eh...
6. What is your favorite lunch meat? Turkey
7. What is your birth date?March 2.
What is your most embarrassing CD? I am not embarrassed about any of my CD's.
9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? Uh huh! I love me!
10. Are you a daredevil? Nay. in the literal action i am not. But I moved all the way to Boise from MN by myself, for myself... in a leap of faith that a relationship would work out (it did...)
11. Favorite Magazines? Dog Fancy, People
12. Do looks matter? I believe they do initially but the personality and actions make the looks so much more pronounced. You can be so pretty but behave ugly and you are ugly
13. How do you release anger?I talk things out, throw mini tantrums, get cranky and argue
14. Where is your second home? Apple Valley, MN
15. Do you trust others easily? To a point. I tend to be more on the wary side
16. What was your favorite toy as a child?BARBIES!!!!!!!!!!
17. What class in high school do you think was totally useless?Phy Ed-Square Dancing
18. Do you have a journal?Many. Do I faithfully write in any of them? No.
19. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Not a lot, but it is a favorite form of humor for me
20. Favorite movie(S): Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Pride and Prejudice, Persuasion, Ever After, Office Space, Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstein
21. What are your nicknames? Meeg, Meeghander, MegPegLeg, Meg, Meggie, Magoo, Megs, Morgan Mundane
22. Would you bungee jump? Not unless I had a death wish
23. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Yes. Mom taught me well. I still feel guilty if I don't.
24. Do you think that you are strong? Yes physically and emotionally
25. What's your favorite ice cream flavor?Oh gosh I love ice cream... Ben and Jerry's New York Super Chunk Fudge
26. Shoe Size?9.5
27. What is your favorite color? RED and browns
28. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? I loose focus, easily distracted.
29. Who do you miss most? Me at age 6, my family in MN, my twin neices
30. Do you want everyone you send this to send it back? Eh.. Feel free to reply!
31. What color pants are you wearing? Gray
32. What are you listening to right now? MrShife sneezing (his eyes were closed...) Repip's music
33. Last thing you ate? Tuna fish and half a bananananana
34. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Crimson Red (or another inappropriate favorite: Indian Red)
35. What is the weather like right now? Inverted, Sunny and hazy-can't see the mountains
36. Last person you talked to on the phone?My Body Shop at Home Consultant
37. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Face, body type, clothing style
38. Do you like the person who sent this to you? The Duck tagged me, and he's alright. He aint heavy... he's my brother...
39. How Are You Today? I'm fine, a little hungry, has anyone seen my shoes? How are you?
40. Favorite Drink? Strawberry Daquiries
41. Favorite Sport? Ick
42. Hair Color?Brown Ash Brown-blonde highlights
43. Eye Color? Blue
44. Do you wear contacts? Nope, nevah evah
45. Favorite Food? Italian
46. Last Movie You Watched? Bedknobs and Broomsticks
47. Favorite day of the year? Christmas Eve evening and Christmas morning
48. Scary Movies Or Happy Endings? Shyea happy endings
49. Summer Or Winter? It really depends, sometimes I just LOVE the winter time. Fall is my favorite
50. Hugs OR Kisses? Cozy hugs
51. What Is Your Favorite Dessert? Ice cream
52. Who Is Most Likely To Respond? Poodlebomb
53. Who Is Least Likely To Respond?Probly Mrshife. He won't want to be tagged
54. Living Arrangements? Own my own home with husband, two dogs, a ferret and a bunny
55. What Books Are You Reading? nothing right now, but my favorite series is the Stephanie Plumb series by Janet Evanovich-and Pride and Prejudice
56. What's On Your Mouse Pad? At work: a wristrest and home: Winnie the Pooh
57. What Did You Watch Last night on TV? Medium and the news
59. Rolling Stones or Beatles? Um hi? The Beatles... hands down for me!
60. What's the furthest you've been from home? Grand Bahama Island on the worst trip of my entire life....
Here you are tagged people:
MrShife
Poodlebomb
Cher
Totolehero
Sorry guys.

Missing: 8 pregnant goats and 2 car doors (uh...reward for the goats)

I don't know, this just struck me as funny:

Cops in Lincoln Nebraska were called to file a report on stolen property: 2 purple Honda car doors and 8 pregnant South African Goats. Talk about random!

How do you go about coming to that end result? Where the crooks just cruisin' around town looking for something to do and happened upon some goats with the "come hither" looks in their eyes, or was this planned?

"Dudes... tonight, I'm really jonesing to steal some car doors... Purple ones! What do you think?"

"Yeah! Oh and lets get some goats too while we're at it! Pregnant ones! That'll double our booty!"

Well they are kinda cute...

More solved mysteries that have been torturing our souls...

Alright folks: as promised: The Origins of Bobby Pins and Bobby Socks! (Enter some super hero them music here)

Bobby pins came about in the early to mid 20's when women started to cut their hair in the classic bob:(Thanks for the pic, Cher) They used the pins to make the waves stay in place or whatever they were currently sporting. Since their hair had been "bobbed off" they invented Bobby pins. Yeah, not as exciting as I thought.

Bobby socks are of the same idea. During the 50's girls had been wearing knee high socks. When these anklets were invented they were bobbed short, or bobby'd hence bobby socks. Again not exciting at all, but it has cleared up that curiosity as well. What else would you all want to know about. Tell me all the questions that have been plaguing you and I'll see what I can come up with. Ooh! We can turn this into a game of Balderdash!

this blog has gone to hell in a hand basket...

They do exist! All this time I've been trying to figure out what the heck a hand basket looked like. Would it be a normal basket held in the hand? Would it be like the basket Little Red Ridinghood carried to her Grandma's? Or was it really just a misnomer for a purse? Also if anything is going to hell in a hand basket, how would everything fit? Did they mean hand cart? The kind where two people pump the lever to make it move? Again how would lots of things on that trip to hell be able to fit? I picture a cave that is orange from firelight with a winding railroad spiraling right down and everyone is sitting in there screaming (like in the cartoons) and then they land in a pile of marshmallows... Well I can't answer those questions, but at least I know what a hand basket is now.

B**CH you better step OFF!

I've recently noticed that my office has been on a campaign to "Fight the Flu," hanging taunting reminders up all over (bathrooms, kitchens, taping them to our backs...) to wash our hands. Making the unsanitary feel guilty, as if they are being watched, leaving the bathroom without sanitizing before hand. Taunting, yelling signs-hanging on mirrors and cupboards reminding you that if you do NOT wash your hands this is what will happen:

So not only will you be taunted if you don't sanatize after you tinkle, you are threatened with bodily harm. Note the backhand coming from Blondie as Tootsie sneezes into her Kleenex "Bi$$h don't you be doing that by me!" Wham! backhanded-Tootsie falls to the ground and cowers... Next time she will wash her hands. Next time she will not sneeze by Blondie. Blondie is violent.

Mother moose corrupts calf, takes it on a drinking binge

Here's a great way to have some fun on a cold Swedish winter's night: get the local Mooses drunk off their butts and watch them attempt to fend off local police...

After eating fermented apples which the moose (meese?) found in an apple field, they became
schnockered and turned their binge for food into a rowdy party to which the neighbors were not invited. Police called to the scene chased them away only to have them return for some more irresistible nectar of the gods... At this point the moose became irritated at the efforts to keep them away-I mean what a downer man! You police aren't drunk too? You don't know what you are talking about-quit raining on our parade, I'm sotally tober... As their words became more slurred. Police called in a hunter and his dog to offer some "incentive" to the mooses to leave. The moose urinated in defiance... Eventually the drunken mooses wandered off into the night, their binge over, only to be found the next morning with circles under their eyes and a raging headache. They were seen around noon rummaging for tylenol and some leftover Carl's Junior...

So this leads me to my question of the day: What animals would you most like to see drunk?

I think my choice would be a chubby little lumbering black bear...

Nutt wants Dick in pocket

Check out these headlines!

Nutt pulling Johnson out to start Dick against Cocks

Nutt wants Dick in pocket against Cocks

Nutt says Dick in, Johnson out when playing Cocks

(It's a double entendre...)

These links are to blogs that talk about the story. The Dallas paper pulled the headline in favor of a less suggestive one.

Which one is your favorite?

What's up with this guy?

On a day where Halloween costumes abound, this dude really doesn't need one...

Who is he? Phil Spector
What is he? legendary Rock music producer
Why does he look like such a spaz? Well it could be that he was a 60's music producer, knew the Beatles, knew all the big names, did body-wracking drugs and he's eccentric? Or it could be that he's on trial for murdering a young actress in his home. I don't know, one of the two is probably correct... How about both? Weirdo.

Check out Courttv.com for more of the story.

(Can't you just hear him in some silly British accent ramblingoff eccentricities about whether Pandas should wear shoes on their heads or some weird crap like that?)

Uh you might have a problem

(I'm sure some of you have seen this before)

Ok I'm a huge copycat, but I don't care: Let's think of some captions for this:

*You'd think you'd try and get something like this removed before it became a full-blown jack-o-lantern!
*They aren't kidding when they say it'll go right to your ASS!

*Uh, you have something on your butt...

*What did you say? You say the pumpkin really likes sausage? EW!

*I think you sat in some pumpkin

*Do you have to light your fart to get the pumpkin to lit up?

*This is what happens when you cross a pumpkin with a human

*You'd either have to be really drunk or being held at gunpoint to actually do this for someone.

Why Do Olyphants Have Such Big Ears?

Reasons why I founded the Church of Dane Cook in 2000.

• He can kick his shoes of in a fit of joy
• He wants to own a monkey that he can fight battles with
• He grew up Catholic-he understands snack time in the middle of mass
• I mean.. What is Jelly?
• He writes songs to the tune of car alarms
• He wants acidy spit (why not me?!)
• He thinks its cute when girls can't find the car door handle
• Someone shit on the coats
• He worked in the BK Lounge
• He had a bedazzled jean jacket
• His monkey can talk
• He's just gotta dance. Screw chicks bro.

I have spread the word and preached the standup according to Dane. We have grown from 2 to 9 members. Man I am good.

• (Oh yeah) and he's totally hot.

Announcements to members:
*Weezie will be our mascot (please refer to her as your Weezieness)
*Jeezits at communion this week
*Don't forget your shoes

Truly these do go hand in hand.....

I would like to share with you a conversation I had with my best friend Piper, while we were ten feet from each other. And we IM'd this. On Yahoo. This is what we do. I'm scared.

(Here is the scenario... I was reading stuff online making me chuckle and well it was blogs. ANd yes she was right. But why should I let her know she was right?)
****
Paper: BLOG HEAD!
Meg: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Meg: me not blog
Meg: uh,,,
Meg: me making website
Paper: WHATEVEROYAOPR3300
Meg: yo uknow nothing you terd
Meg: scarer of me
Paper: I KNOW IT...YOU LOVE TERD
Meg: TERRRRRRRD
Paper: FART
Meg: i like to spell it that way too cause it's funnier than TURD
Paper: BLOG BLOG BLOG
Meg: shut up you
Paper: YOU STICK IT UP THE BUTT!
Meg: up your nose iwth a rubber hose
Paper: DOWN YOUR PANTS WITH A FATTY DANCE
Meg: In your belly button witha plastic melon
Paper: in your elbow with a cowbell
Meg: down your throat with a prickly goat
Paper: in your eye with a peacock pie
Meg: in your OTHER eye with a CHICKEN THIGH
Paper: through your ear with an yummy beer
Meg: OUT your rear like a big Green Cucumber colored turd
Meg: :-P
Meg: i am going to blog about this
Paper: sweet man!!
Paper: i made it big time!
Meg: LOL gosh sometimes you are SO funny! (well MOST of the time, heck probly 99.5% of the time you are so funny.)(
Meg: hey that looked like a butt
Meg: )(
Meg: with a zit
Meg: .)(
Paper: butt checks
Meg: cheeks
Paper: watch a fart )*(
Meg: write me a butt check please
Meg: or! )o(
Meg: whats that?
Meg: it's the brown eye
Paper: purple eye
Meg: Ouch
Meg: I don't want to know why it's purple
Paper: i think only on kitty cats
Meg: WHY???
Meg: what do they eat that makes them purple?
Paper: tu-shay my friend tu-shay!
Meg: i don't even know how to spell that
Meg: tuce
Paper: they have skin under their furrrrrr and it's purple so they can't have any fur on their butts so that is the color
Meg: Ahhhhhhhh. yes you are very wise.
Meg: you've studied these a lot then?
****
And that's where it stopped. Probably to be picked up again in 30 minutes with some completely OTHER random conversation. Imagine what it would be like if these converstations happened OUT LOUD.

Check this pic out:
(This is not a cat, people. This would be an angora rabbit...) Someone blogged this as a cat. and not only a cat but the best darn cat ever. Ok that's it. I'm done randomly babbling for the day.

How I waste my time:

I've been thinking about my days at work, what I do and how productive I am. I'm figuring that I only get about 15 minutes of real work done per week.. (Thank you Office Space for making me see the light.) below is today's list of wasted time... What about you? What is your list of wasted time in your day? Tell me. I could use more ideas on how to waste mine!

1. Tell my coworkers random stories about Farm Animals I see on my way to work.
2. Look at my wedding registry for updates, even though that's old news now
3. Plan scrapbook pages in my head
4. Read and comment on everyone's blog
5. Refresh the screen waiting to see a comment to my comment
6. IM'ng the chicas
7. Sit in traffic to and from work (ok, that's not my fault)
8. Reorganize my desk
9. Shop Online for things I don't need
10. break matt's computer so that the Duck doesn't have time to blog and he has to fix it
11. Spin around in my chair
12. Tell incredibly boring anecdotes about my beloved fur-kids that no one cares to hear about but they politely listen anyway and then rip on me as soon as I leave the room...

So what rattled around in YOUR head last night?

• When I die I want to be a ghost. I will be a helpful ghost who will bring people the remote when they are all comfy on the couch and it is across the room on the end table.
• Will anyone ever do a cover version of a New Kids on the Block song? (Someone actually wrote a legal paper about them!)
• Why are rollarskates back in? If I had kept my "My Little Pony" rollarskates, would I be trendy? Are leg-warmers next?
• I think I am suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Wedding disorder. Last night I had a dream that my hairdresser took off for Mexico the day of the wedding and I decided that I was going to switch dresses at the last minute. How long does this disorder last?
• Why do my 50 lb German Shepherd and 160 lb Saint Bernard think it's so much fun to body slam me constantly at 60 mph? At the same TIME.
• Why is Boy George such a freak?

News of the Day: The Oh So Important Opinions of Me...

Feel free to "discuss" and "talk amongst yourselves"

War waged against Smurfs; Is Gargamel to Blame? Belgium UNICEF releases some horrific pictures of battles waged in the Smurf's village... I had no idea they were even at war.

Swims like a fish... Now this is truly some heart-warming news! A 9 year-old boy swims from Alcatraz to shore and raised $30,000 for Hurricane Katrina victims. Nothing funny about that. Just good to see news like this for once.

No More Plumber's Crack Finally fashonista's are realizing that butt cleavage isn't "in." It's not pretty. Now perhaps portly teenage girls will wear jeans that raise to at least their hips instead of grazing their butt-cracks and bulging out their sides?

What a fitting... Epitaph?

Word on the street is there is a new way to be immortalized in life and a new way for your loved ones to remember you and even to touch you every day. People, I'm talking about being cremated and being turned into a diamond (blue or yellow-your choice!) after death. Apparently the new thing is to take a tiny amount of your ashes to be turned into graphite and then put into super heated ovens to be turned into a diamond or two. I was already precious, lets turn me into a precious gem for eternity. But, don't just think you can pop into any jewelry store for this. The market is small and you can hand out a pretty penny for a pretty dead-person stone. Expect to pay anywhere from 2700-20k dollars for this. Perhaps you can use your inheritance? Tell Grandma to plan for it in her will.

This was a practice post. But what a cute little guy to practice with!

Little Baby Long Coat

Is there an initiation rite?

Yep I've finally joined the bandwagon. After months of not even really knowing what the heck (or who for that matter) "blog" even was I have created my own. So what do i get for being a blogger now?

This is the Official Welcome to the Foolishness Continuum, or TFC as it is known in da fam.
TFC started about 8 years ago when my dad and I started to write emails to each other on a daily basis beginning in my first year of college. Year after year TFC escalated and so did the obsurdity. I'd now like to open it up to the masses.
It's gonna take awhile for this to get going be patient!